Show Notes
This episode reveals the importance of saying "no. to maintain boundaries and mental and emotional health. And why saying "No" can be tricky—also, here are some helpful tips on how to say "No" without feeling bad.
View Full Transcript
Episode Transcript
Great day and welcome back. I hope your day is going Great and tomorrow will be even better.
Today I want to introduce you to one of the most minor words used in the world but is probably the most powerful.
And the words' twin. The term "Yes." You might be thinking, no, Paul, I hardly use either of those words. And you are right, but let me explain.
Our whole lives are choices. Choices consist of doing or not doing. So, if you choose to eat carrots, you have chosen not to eat corn.
Consequently, you have said yes to carrots while saying no to corn.
You may see this as a "and what is your point" observation. But you may be surprised how little we consider this daily.
For instance, if you choose to be sad, you decide not to be happy. In most cases, we prefer to be happy rather than sad.
If you have children, you take this deeper and compliment one child on achievements, looks, or actions. You are not choosing it for the other child or children. The disparity could create animosity or mental trauma for the other child.
Or, if one child gets away with more stuff than the other child or children, this could be seen as "You don't love me as much as my sister or brother.
I know you get the point. When it comes to our mental and emotional health, using the power of "No" is crucial.
Using "No" is much more complex than it seems; we are taught to conform and fit in as children. We are dependent on our parents for survival. Our parents are dependent on the group, and the group depends on the nation.
The primary survival mechanism is understanding strength in numbers. So there is a natural tendency to fit in. Although this can serve us well, it can also turn against us because there are times in our lives when we must take care of our mental, Physical, and Mental Health. The new term (Fomo) fear of missing out may make us feel we will miss out on something by saying no.
Women seem more susceptible to the emotional aspect of saying no to a request; for women, it's understandable because, as a whole, women are more nurturing. Women may feel like they are betraying the person or not being supportive by saying no.
There is a lot of pressure to fit in and be validated by others. This trend has taken off and is almost out of control because of social media. More and more people are not feeling validated by themselves. We are ignoring all of the incredible skills, experiences, and attributes of our life experiences and constantly comparing ourselves to the media's portrayal of who we should be. Peer pressure becomes King.
When coworkers ask us to participate in activities, we often feel obligated to say yes in the workplace; this can be especially prevalent because of office politics. Of course, this can be a matter of survival in the workplace as we may need as many people to view us positively.
Our bosses may lean on us to take up the slack of others. Or to help maintain deadlines. Although this can be a great way to promote yourself, we must also consider our well-being. And that of our family.
As parents, we may feel obligated to give or support unconditionally. Again this burden can fall heavily on the women, as they may be overwhelmed with children, housework, and possibly a job.
Here are some ways you may be able to use when saying "No" to a request.
You can prepare yourself to say "no" to an anticipated request.
It is much easier to say no when we have a concrete reason—a way to justify our refusal beyond the notion that we should avoid the commitment.
We need to create the reason for saying no before we need it—we need a decision-making structure, or "rules," to guide us so we don't have to fret over every invitation.
For example, if you know you have homework, work, or family obligations that will suffer from your absence, prepare a prepared statement. I would like to, but I will be tired and unable to function, or my work performance will suffer. Or I have missed quality time with my family and don't want to be unfair to them.
In addition, you must make rules for your mental, physical, and well-being. We all need quiet time. We cannot just go, go, go. We need time to recharge. Relaxation prevents overload, burnout, and sickness,
once any of the above things set in, we are no good to anyone.
Finally, if you are available to do something, don't say yes before asking yourself a fundamental question: Do I want to do this thing, or is it that I feel I "should"? Will saying "yes" make me feel good or bad?
Or will I feel dread or regret when this particular event or task occurs?
We should pay attention to our reaction to the request, which can strongly indicate what we should say in response.
You have control over your choices because it is your life, so make sure you say yes for yourself and not solely for someone else's benefit. You don't need to be self-centered or selfish in making this decision.
We must also learn that saying yes should be conditional, such as I will do this time, but probably not again. Or this may work this time.
Here are some helpful tips.
1. Vague but effective: "Thank you for asking, but that isn't going to work out for me."
2. It's not personal: "Thank you for asking, but I'm not available at that time."
3. Ask me later: "I want to do that, but I'm unavailable until later. Will you ask me again then?"
4. Let me hook you up: "I can't do it, but I'll bet (give a person's name) can. I'll ask them for you."
5. Keep trying: "None of those dates work for me, but I would love to see you. Send me some more dates."
6. Gratitude: "Thank you so much for your trust in me! I'm sorry I cannot help you at this time."
7. Just No: "Thanks, I'll have to pass on that." (Say it, then shut up.)
8. Gracious: "I really appreciate you asking me, but my time is already committed."
9. I'm Sorry: "I wish I could, but it's just not going to work right now."
10. Someone Else's Decision: "I promised my coach (therapist, husband, etc.) I wouldn't take on any more projects right now.
11. I Know Someone Else: "I just don't have time right now. Let me recommend someone who may be able to help you."
12. Setting Boundaries: "Let me tell you what I can do…" Then limit the commitment to what will be comfortable for you.
13. Not No, But Not Yes: "Let me think about it, and I'll get back to you."
This information will be helpful. Well, my friends, it's been nice to chat with you. And I look forward to sharing the hormonal and physiological responses to be aware of when saying no in the next podcast. So you can better understand what your body does when you say no.
Well, my friends, thanks again for tuning in; until next time
And as always:
Please remember to Love Yourself. You are Not Alone. You are relevant and worthy.
How About that?
